Love

I was reading through some of my past posts last night and kind of reflecting on the year. This one was a really emotional one to write and I got teary eyed reading it again. Skye is 2 1/2 years old now and I feel the exact same way as I did the day I wrote this. I’m probably more in love and in awe of him than I was just a year ago. He is and always will be the best thing that has ever happened to me.

This might sound silly, but sometimes I think about writing a love letter to Skye. I can’t believe how much I love this little person that I’ve known for such a short amount of time. I think thats one of the things that has surprised me most about motherhood. I mean I love a lot of people like a lot, but the love that I feel for Skye is astounding.

For as long as I can remember I always wanted to be a mother. That want was really driven home after my sister had my nephew Cougar. I saw the love and happiness that she felt and he would make us laugh until our stomachs hurt. When we decided to have a baby I was so excited to have that same feeling every day with a child of our own. Now deciding to get pregnant and it actually happening did not come easy for us. After three and half painful years of trying we finally got pregnant! When the nurse called me with the results of my blood test and told me that I was pregnant I actually screamed into the phone Shut The F**k Up! I could not believe it. I remember running straight to the pharmacy and buying a pregnancy test because in three and half years I never saw a positive on a pregnancy test. That test is still sitting in my bathroom cabinet. I look at it sometimes and it reminds me of how excited and happy I was that day.

For some reason I always thought that when you got pregnant it would be this monumental change that was felt immediately. Not the case with me. I never got morning sickness, sore boobs or all the other things that you read about women experiencing that eluded to a little person taking over their body. I remember the first time I felt Skye move. It was amazing and I wanted to feel it all the time. I bought a heart monitor so that I could hear his heartbeat every day. I was actually kind of psycho about listening to his heartbeat. It was like a drug for me and I was addicted.

Halfway through my pregnancy I found out that I had a low lying placenta and was reassured that it would move up as I progressed. Unfortunately that never happened for me and I had Skye almost 8 weeks early. My placenta ruptured on the 4th of July and I had Skye via emergency C Section just into the 5th of July. Zach was on tour and I was all alone. I remember waking up in the recovery room alone with no baby. I didn’t get to see him for almost 24 hours.

I feel so much closer to Skye after what happened to us. I feel like he and I went to battle together and we made it through. I was really slapped in the face with how precious life is. I waited so long to have this baby and he was almost taken away from us. I am not religious, but I really am so grateful to whoever was watching over us that night.

I don’t really remember the first time that I saw him because I was in such a haze. I think part of me was still in shock about what happened. I do remember him being really small, but he looked puffy. He had tubes and wires coming out of every which way. I felt so guilty for what happened. He was suppose to live inside me for 8 more weeks and now he had to learn how to breathe and eat on his own. Kangaroo care is encouraged in the NICU. Its skin on skin contact and it helps regulate the baby’s temperature and heartbeat. Its actually quite healing for both the mother and the baby.

This picture was taken four days after I had Skye. I had just got released from the hospital and I went home for a few hours while the NICU was closed down for the nurse change over. I don’t know why I put on one of Zach’s shirts to wear that day, but it just seemed like the most comfortable thing to wear. When I picked him up out of the incubator and put him under my shirt I literally felt as if he sunk into me. It was like he was relieved that I was back. The look in his eyes as he’s looking up at me says it all. That is love. You can see it all in his face.

Nineteen months later we have this beautiful, happy rambunctious little boy. Sometimes I have to catch my breath because I still can’t believe I have this amazing son. It will happen at the most random moments. Like when he’s following me around the house saying Mama Mama or starts to pull all the toilet paper down into a huge pile on the floor. All of a sudden I realize that I have this child that I’ve always wanted. Other times I’ll be watching Skye from a distance he’ll be dancing or playing with his trains and he’ll see me watching him and he’ll blow me a kiss. Seriously the kid is a heartbreaker already and I love him more than he’ll ever know.

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